Holding Still

christmas in ct, etc.

We had a really nice Christmas.  Traveled to my parents' place and to the ILs.  Christmas was spent with the celebrating Irish, the two days afterward with the reluctantly celebrating ILs.  It went as well as could be expected, there were no sit-downs where all of my faults were enumerated and grievances aired.  Phew!  Oddly enough, L was extremely clingy while we were there.  He's inordinately empathic, so he could have sensed my feelings of alienation while there.  More likely, it was a new place, large and sparsely furnished, so he may have felt a bit insecure.  H noted that the house was "spooky" and he thought he saw a ghost.  My ILs have mentioned the presence of ghosts, so he may have had something there.  

As we speak, the boys are staying with my parents until Thursday.  I know, can you believe it?  A very thoughtful Christmas gift to me and Alex, indeed.  We are both working these three days, so it's good for them to have excitement and change instead of Alex trying to balance work and entertaining them when school is out.  I'm teaching some vacation art classes at the museum where I used to work, which is good.  I also just discovered that the recreation center and I received the grant for which we had applied in October.  We didn't get the entire amount, but we did get most of it, so that's good news, too.  I was missing those crazy kids!  The funding we had depended on dried up, and I wasn't sure if I'd be working with them again.

I'm still meditating on and praying hard for us to move houses.  We'll probably stay in the area for the next year or so, but a move upstate or out-of-state is a possibility.  There is talk of us moving closer to my family, which surprisingly fills me with relief.  I used to think distance improved our relationships, which maybe it did.  But now that we have the two little guys, having them nearby for support sounds very good.  

We will see.  2009 promises to be pretty interesting all around for us.  I always figure that if we do our best, pick a good path, the right decisions will be made and the right things will happen for us.  It might not seem so at first, but I'm hoping things will unfold that way.  I have to admit I like the unknown.  It's pretty exciting.  Al doesn't feel exactly the same.  In fact, he is filled a bit more with dread and anxiety.  I am filled with dread and anxiety when I imagine having to stay in this house another year.  In fact, the alienation I felt while at the ILs returned when we came back here.  I may have done it to myself, or it could be the house rejecting me, who knows.  Probably a bit of both.  This property has a strange history within this family, and who knows about way-back-when, when the native population was ousted by the Europeans.

The boys did great with all the traveling and visiting.  H had a bit of difficulty here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary.  Just the usual off-the-wall behavior, teasing Lire too much, defying adults.  But considering he was out of his element and a bit under the weather, he did great.  Santa came to my parents' house and treated the boys well, but didn't spoil them.  Nana and Poppie were equally generous, giving the boys gifts that required lots of assembly, which the boys LOVE.  They like spending time putting things together.  They did the first gift with Daddy, and then after we left they put the second one together with Nana and Poppie.  The first is a Playmobil@ post office, the second a L@go interlocking gear thingie.  They are also learning how to trace, how to connect the dots, how to make a slinky go downstairs, and reading many, many new books.  

A very nice Christmas, indeed.

Lame-o is my name-o

So much has been going on here lately, I seem to have actually forgotten it all.  Really.  The brain is tired of remembering.

I have been thinking a lot about the boys' development this year and a half since their arrival here in the US -- can you believe it!  We're going on two years.  I've also been thinking about my mothering style, which I'm still fine-tuning.  I think I'm a little naggy and am trying to stop talking again.  I'm attempting to use the guide I remember a yoga teacher mentioning once about whether or not to say something:  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?  Does it improve upon the silence?  If you can say no to any of these, then you shouldn't say what you were thinking.  I find myself testing my thoughts in this way.  For example, when I'm glooming and angering over the events of last month with the in-laws, coming up with things I wished I had said, I apply the guide.  Generally, nothing I'm thinking qualifies, though it satisfies a vengeful fantasy.  But that's not what I'm supposed to be wasting my life with.  Right?  But it can be fun!  Better to apply myself to my immediate family.  They are much simpler.  

In other news, we bought a new-to-us/used vehicle this week.  My dad found it through a former student of his.  Chuck is one of his first students, who graduated in '68, when I was a year old.   He's got his own garage and fixed us up with our brown bomber, the 1989 Camry wagon.  That was a great car and lasted two years longer than we expected.  

Alex is embarrassed by our new vehicle, and I feel a bit funny driving it, too.  But beggars cannot be choosers, we tell ourselves.  The price tag was all we could afford without borrowing, which we do not want to do, and we drive so little, the poor mileage won't impact us as much as if we were heavy-duty commuters.

It's almost 15 years old, so it's a spring chicken compared to the Camry, and it's in great condition.  A senior citizen sold it to Chuck the Mechanic.  There are also four new tires on it.  To offset Al's embarrassment, I purchased a neon green peace sign car magnet for its rear end.  That definitely gives it an air of hippy-ness.  It still has a ways to go, though.  He also wants a bumper sticker that says "my other car is a scooter."  I thought it would be funny to paint all of our excuses for driving it upon the vehicle's exterior, to assuage our guilt:  "It only cost $2500, we only drive 5000 miles per year, barely drive over 55 and tend to carry lots of stuff at all times.  Our children have very long legs and our dog is hyperactive..."

The boys are over the moon about it.  The dog loves it.  Lots more room.  I like the fact that both the heat and the radio work!  Haven't tested the tape deck yet, but I'll let you know.  We still have radio mixes on tape, if that gives you any indication how behind-the-times we are.  

I'll keep teasing you 'til I can take a photo of it.  It's been raining non-stop since I drove it from CT, so no pics yet.  You'll just have to make a guess...

Until then, here are some Halloween pictures.

Yes, I lamely wore the same "costume" as last Halloween.  The red wig with horns.  I can't help it, I've always wanted red hair.  And horns.  

stuck in my craw

How do you exorcise the demons of "why didn't I say this?", or "I shoulda said that?"  

I'm trying to use cleaning as a therapy, but the same bitter thoughts keep running through my head.  Usually cleaning is a good way to clean my brain, as well as the house, but it's not working this time.

Onto brighter subjects.  Lire informed me for the 130th time or so that he is going to marry me.  Very sweet, I know.  I reminded him about Daddy, that I was already married.  

Me:  "How will you marry me if I'm already married to Daddy?"

L:  "When Daddy dead."

Me:  

Me again:

Me finally:  "Uhm, well, I will be very old by that time, and you will want to marry a much younger person."

L:  "No Mommy.  When you die, you come back young, and then I marry you."

This guy already "gets" reincarnation.  I don't remember exactly what I said, maybe something along the lines of "la, la, la,I didn't hear you!" I forget.  It did remind me of a meditation exercise in one of the Dalai Lama's books.  It is about developing compassion for all beings, even those you don't like.  You begin by imagining someone you love very much as having been your mother.  Having borne you, nourished you, loved and protected you.  Then you go on to imagine the same about a neutral person in your life.  Then someone you have an incredibly difficult time having compassion for.  I tried to meditate on Dick Cheney that way, but I got nowhere.  

I was reminded of all this because one of the assumptions is that we have lived so many lifetimes, it is very likely we have been mother to a good number of people, and many, many people have been mother to us.  We all know that not all mothers are good at mothering, but I think the idea is to imagine being a person who sacrifices all to care for another, being a person who is capable of unconditional love, and then imagining that that "other" person has been capable of the same.

Maybe this is the direction I should take to get the negative words of my in-laws out of my craw.  Maybe this is why I sat down to post in the middle of the day when I should be working on the boys' Halloween costumes.  Speaking of which, I've got to get cracking!

trail-a-tike

I've been posting in my mind, so I thought perhaps it was time to return to the old blog.  Unfortunately, I'm unable to upload my photos all of a sudden, so no cute pics of the guys, I'm sorry to say.

Things have been mostly good, thank the cosmos, with only a few moments of insanity, defiance and irritation.  Those are the three challenges we seem to face here on a regular basis.  The best thing that has happened to our family is the trail-a-bike.  OMG!!!!  Thank you M!  

Some background.  We live in a beautiful, mostly flat area.  Perfect for bike riding.  Except.  Except.  You guessed it -- Criminally fast and irresponsible drivers!  I don't mean to insult anyone's choice of vehicles, however, most of the transgressors drive black SUVs.  And one of them had an Obama bumper sticker with a red slash through it, which really made me want to key the car, but that is another story.

The kids cannot safely ride their bikes in our 'hood.  Usually we would drive the boys and bikes to the local school or the beach parking lot to ride.  Now with the trail-a-bike, Habtam can ride in front of me on his own bicycle (yes, he rides without training wheels and has no fear), while little Lire rides "connected" as he likes to put it -- "Mommy!  I like this ride!  I connected!"

Another plus is that right now it is off-season, so there are many fewer drivers, many fewer sports cars and SUV's.  Mostly potato trucks, senior citizens, and work vehicles like pick-ups.  It is wonderful to finally get to ride to the post office, the library, the school, and the little bridge.  There we watch the Romanian fisherman catch carp with canned corn and vanilla extract while his high-heeled and bored girlfriend waits impatiently for him.  And he doesn't even like fish.  Just fishing.  He has captured Lire's imagination.  That and the gigantic animal femur that still sits half-immersed in the water below the bridge.  Probably a deer  bone, though H likes to think it may be a dinosaur bone.

I've only lost my mind twice or thrice since I last posted, which is pretty good.  I'm mostly healthy, though my sense of smell has blunted as the weather has become colder.  The boys LOVE school.  Lire has a more diverse situation, for which I am grateful.  One of his teachers is AA, as are two other children in the class.  There are also three children of Latino origin, and four white children.  It is a very small school, but it is predominantly AA and Hispanic.  Habtam goes to the public school for which he is slated, and it is much less diverse.  We thought about putting him in the school Lire attends, but then he would be the only boy in a class of five.  He is very happy in school, but has told me that he wants to have "clear" skin like mine, and straight hair.  

The moving situation is pretty up in the air, mostly because of the economy -- have you heard?  We're still going to start exploring other places to live, researching demographics, etc.  Meanwhile, I'm going to find out if the boys can attend a local after school program a couple times a week so they can have more kids to play with, more kids who look like them.  They don't officially qualify, since we don't live in that school district, but I've gotten to know some of the people there, so I'm hoping they'll be open to the idea.

That's it for now.  Thanks for being patient with my break.  

every time we say goodbye...

I've been away, if you haven't noticed.  I should say, if you've been reading.  I think it's my subconscious telling me to take a leave of absence.  Between the usual business of two boys, said boys starting school, and my self-induced insanity, I need to go off the computer for a while.  I'm happy with my parenting in some ways, and in others, well, frankly, I'm disappointed in myself.  Not just parenting, but being a human being and getting along with people in the world.  Because that's what being in a family, having relationships, is about, really.  Getting along with people.  Having children has brought that to the forefront of my daily activities, and I am finding it very challenging.  Working at the camp forced me to work amongst a variety of different people,  a task at which I did quite well.  However, I feel tapped out and wonder why I cannot bring that level of humanity to my daily life with my kids.  

I don't feel up to writing publicly about a lot of the things I've been working through, so I think I'll be journaling the old-fashioned way, in my little notebooks with the doodles in the margins.

Another interesting development that's been in the works for a while is that we will most likely be moving out of this area.  Any tips or recommendations on great places to live near nyc, yet with room for two boys and a podengo to roam, would be greatly appreciated.  Sigh.

Thanks so much for all of your gracious and loving support.  I love blogging, and will probably return.  I'm just tired these days and think I should formally withdraw while I regroup.  I will be reading you guys when I'm feeling nosy, so I'll see you in your comments!

Ciao! 

waiting for the bus on the first day of school.  Al gave them quite a short 'do, which made them look WAY too old for my liking!

Cutest ankle in town.  Go, Diego, Go!

Notice the blur?  H couldn't wait to get on that bus.  I didn't even get to kiss him goodbye!  He was SO into it.  This image sort of sums up the butterfly, bittersweet fall feeling I've been having of late.  Double sigh.

Real hou$ewives -- now with piglets!

I am bone-tired.  I'm afraid my blogging will slow down considerably (more than usual!) this summer.  Summer camp is kicking my butt.  omg.  What was I thinking?

19 (now 17) Three year old munchkins with minds of their own (shame on them!), running hither and thither while I and my trusty counselors (some of whom are teens) attempt to make sense of the child who swears he DOES NOT NEED TO PEE, and then.  Well.  He pees.  In his pants.  "Are they wet?" he asks.  "Yes, I believe so."

Habtam is so very happy that there is no way I can leave, even though I want to run away so very badly.  He builds birdhouses and airplanes, swims, watches crazy Shakespeare snippets, plays drums, basketball and soccer, etc, etc.  So I pretend this is part of my spiritual development.  Patience.  Smiling even when I want to scream.  Leading another round of "Skinna-marink-a-dink" even when sweat is pooling in that area of one's chest between the girls, ready to stream south into my innie.  

Enough of my complaining.  Next up.  Do you guys remember Real Housewives of New York City?  Well, guess who I saw at the beach today?  The Counte$$!  We watched in fascination as she attempted to enter the ocean.  I say attempted because our curiously dressed H. was throwing himself into the froth, edging closer and closer to her, squealing in delight, as his younger brother tossed sand into the air a few feet further on.  H. has a perforated eardrum, so he wears a silicone plug which is further covered by an ear bandit (great invention, though not so much when he tries to dive).  He is a sight.

She actually moved, because apparently the ocean isn't large enough for all of us.  She walked around the back of us, stared at me as she passed, and entered the ocean up-wave from us.  I wondered if she was glaring because I had my bermudas rolled up to unsuccessfully attempt to keep my shorts dry.  Or maybe she just didn't like that my boys were so very excited and happy and interfering with her dip?  Or it could have been nothing at all.  Maybe she always looks like that.  I only watched the episodes that took place here, so I didn't get much of a read on her.

So that's my celebrity gossip for the day.  There may be more to come, if last summer is any indication.  Oh you know, last summer we had two celebrities in our music class with us.  That's it.  No more info.  You can't get it out of me.

If you don't hear from me in a while, it's because I am either comatose, sipping tea and staring blankly, or sleeping while having anxiety dreams about losing control of my summer camp ship.

For your viewing pleasure:  Piglets, c-dog and the boys, who've grown so very big.

bottoms up

Sorry for the butt shot.  It's not the most flattering photo of my bottom half, but we were having a good time -- yoga bringing the family together.  Note Chauncey upon my work table.  He's looking for squirrels, his arch-enemies.

I had my first three days of summer camp orientation this week.  On Monday we start for real.  Today the campers and their parents were able to come for an open house to meet all the counselors and see our amazing digs (it would make you cry, it's so lovely).  That means that Habtam came with Dad and Lire to meet his counselors, see his room, check out the grounds and see SO MANY KIDS!  I could tell he was in heaven.  He really likes to be amongst a bunch of kids.  Lire, too, but especially H.  It's a very free and easy place with the ability to run around and not get lost or hurt easily, so it was nice for me to see him racing about, happy with the world.  

I met most of my 19 charges and their parents.  Only one chilly, limp-wristed handshake was had (hey, turn off the ac, biatch!).  Luckily most of the parents were sensible, kind people.  The counselors working under me are absolutely terrific.  I lucked out.  Since I'm new, I think the director purposely gave me experienced counselors, some of whom are former campers themselves.  The staff is much more diverse than the clientele, which I was expecting.  This school (it's an alternative/hippy/liberal private school during the rest of the year) makes a point of recruiting staff from all walks of life.  There are three head counselors who are African, another African-American, two of Asian descent, a number of people who are Hispanic, and then all of us Caucs.  The clientele are mostly wealthy Manhattan kids whose parents or grandparents summer out here.  The campers are not as diverse as anyone around here would like, but the staff is, and for that I am grateful. 

I was telling H that three of the counselors were from Africa, like he was.  He appeared interested, but didn't say anything.  We have been talking about Ethiopia again lately, usually combined with questions about family relationships.  The other day I was on the phone chatting with my mom.  I hung up after saying "bye Mom!"  Habtam asked me why I called Nana "Mom."  He's asked this before, so I repeated that she was my mother.  

H:  Why is she your mother?

me:  (deep breath) well, Nana carried me in her uterus until I was born, and then she took care of me until I was a grown-up.  Do you remember who carried you in her uterus?

H:  You?

me:  Nooo...

H:  (His name for their first mom)

me:  Right.  So she was your mother, and she took care of you as long as she was able.  And now I am taking care of you, right?

H:  Right. (begins to jump on his bed)

me:  So I'm your mother, too.

Lire:  You my mommy, too!

H:  Will I go back there visit?

me:  Yes, when you get older, we'd like to take you and Lire to Ethiopia again.  Would you like that?

H:  (Jumps on bed, no answer)

Lire:  Yes, I go Ethiopia!  (also jumping on bed)

The jumping got out of hand, as usual, with all of us jumping on Lire's bed and holding hands.  I had to jump ship to keep H and L from dragging me into their too-physical-for-me game of banging bodies against the wall.

And that's how a lot of stuff gets discussed around here.  Catch as catch can,  with a side of physical comedy and/or violence.

 

too hot to post, peevish postmaster, etc.

I have been away a bit.  Sorry, Paige!  I guess I gave myself an extended birthday blog break.  That and the extraordinarily HOT weather here in the NE.  I had to change my shirt three times on Tuesday with sponge baths in between so I wouldn't STINK UP THE ENTIRE HOUSE.  And shame my small sons when I picked them up from school.  

They sweetly tell me that I do not smell badly.  I wonder how long that will last?

I actually did try to post, post-birthday, but the post disappeared into the ether forever and ever.  What have we been up to?  Mini root canals for Habtam (poor, poor boy), swimming in our lovely neighbor's pool, beach visits, playing with our cousins, fighting with our cousins, making up with our cousins.  Tumultuous cousin relationships:  "Cousins no play me.  Cousins not nice.  Can I go cousins' house?"

I finally finished this quilt.   I'm very pleased with it, except for the stains caused by the humidity last summer (yes, it's been that long) from the red linen which came from an old blouse of mine.  Alex says "wabi sabi," and I say, "yeah, yeah."  

We've spent some lovely late afternoons looking at the early moon and wondering aloud why we can see it so early:

Lire:  Mommy, I see moon!  Why I see moon?

Me:  Mmmm, I'm not sure.  Why do you think?

(Somehow, God and Mother Nature get into the conversation...)

Lire:  I know!  Bob put moon up in sky, wires underground, Nature plug in wires -- we see moon in sky!

Me:  Bob put the moon in the sky?

Lire:  Yes, Bob.  And Nature plug in wires.

In the beginning, there was... Bob.

If you haven't already figured it out, Lire is Hi-Lire-ous.  Lately I've been mentally calling him "The Peevish Postmaster."  I had to stop bringing him along with me to the post office to get our mail because he would refuse to leave if he didn't get any himself.  Which he rarely does.  Junk mail sufficed for a while, but he figured that out pretty quick.  He gets very irritated when he doesn't get mail.  Today Habtam got a birthday invite in his mailbox at school.  Lire watched as H excitedly opened it and I read it aloud.  As we walked up to the real post office Lire wondered aloud if HE would get a birthday invitation in our PO Box.  It was heartbreaking, since I could guess the ending to this hopeful story.  I tried to prepare him for the inevitable disappointment, "You might not get any mail today Lire.  Remember, usually it's bills for Mommy and Daddy..."

The box was opened.  One bill, one circular, a bit of junk.  No. Letter. For. Lire.  Or as he would say, "No mail me."

Tears.  Disappointed, devastated, derailed dreams.  

At least he left the post office.  He cried to the car.  I told him we would write some letters to various friends and family members so he might get a reply.  Inconsolable.

Except for the chickens.  Phew!  Our neighbor's chickens and resulting eggs are a sure fire way to cheer up the Peevish Postmaster.  Still.  If any of you out there would like to write a letter to the Peevish Postmaster, leave a comment and I'll send you our info.  It would make his life close to complete.

And now for some visual cuteness for your viewing pleasure.

PS.  Had some troubles with uploading the photos, so sorry for the sloppiness.  The Peevish Postmaster is at the top of the post, his Swimmy brother is below and the quilt came up twice.  Don't know why.  Too tired to fix.

so glad 40 is done, looking forward to 41!

They say it's my birthday, and they would be right!  

Half-way through, if I'm lucky.  The hat I'm wearing is a Lire original.  He created it for a spring play at school.  Nana wore it for her bird-day, and now I am the lucky lady!  Daddy comes next in September.  It used to be more vibrant, but the sun has since faded it's un-colorfast colors.  The full-length view is the "ballerina dress" Lire insisted I wear to go with the birthday hat.  I tried to change my stinky t-shirt to something more birthday-worthy, but Lire would have none of it.  "Mommy, you pretty, you so cute, no change shirt!"  I don't think it's totally visible, but it's entitled "Sparky's Towing:  Fast, Fair and Friendly," and features a happy tow truck driver towing a hapless-looking clip-art man in a car with cartoon stars around his head.  It's a favorite around here.

We made Lady Fingers a la M@rtha Stew@rt, whipped cream and a delicioso fruit mix to go on top.  So yummy, though not candle-friendly, much to Lire's chagrin.  He may become the first Ethiopian-American male Martha.  You heard it here, first.

Gifts:  Lovely paintings from the boys, including a decorative "envelope" from Habtam, yoga classes from Al, and maybe a new camera from Nana and Poppie.  Very nice.  I think the nicest part was listening to the boys sing their own version of "Happy Birthday" as Alex whipped the cream and I took the lady fingers out of the oven.  They were as happy that it was my birthday as they would have been for their own.  I am a lucky, lucky lady for sure.

Earache my eye!

I went to a meditation/yoga workshop this Sunday. Boy, does my butt hurt! (cue the Rodney Dangerfield chuckle) I got some interesting things out of it for myself, which I'm going to work on as soon as my ear stops hurting (why, why ear, must you pain me so?). I also chatted with a woman who told me about Ted.com and this particular interview, which is pretty cool. Once I read it, I felt like such a wimp for crying through my ear pain (yes, I cry. A lot). I tried to get into a witness stance, but all the witness could say was "Please. Make. It. STOP!!!!"

She also told me about freerice.com. I'm a word nerd of sorts, so I enjoyed it, and it provides a very useful service. Sounds like a good idea for teens who like words or who need to work on their SAT vocab.

Enjoy!