Ouch!

We're back from a wonderful long weekend visiting a wonderful person and family I met online.  Maybe I'll mention tomorrow who this mystery person is, but I'd rather get her permission first.

Al and I traveled to look for a maybe new place to live in the not-so-distant future.  To give a bit of background, we are living on the property of my MIL.  That's right.  MIL.  

(Sigh.)  

She does not live here, in fact this has never been Al's family's first home.  It's a vacation home that was mostly rented out to other people.  Until we asked to borrow it for a few years, with everyone in the family able to come and enjoy it.  Of course, nothing goes that smoothly with families and coveted vacation homes, so things have been a bit bumpy over the years.  The bumps got bigger and increased in frequency once we brought the boys back from Ethiopia.  It has been as bumpy an experience as the drive into the mountains we took to meet H and L's first family.

We thought things had been going well since the last blow-up.  Apologies were made, promises to try harder, etc.  Then, for no good reason, things got ugly the night Al and I returned home.  MIL and SIL had been taking care of the boys so we could explore new frontiers.  We were (and still are) incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to leave for a few days alone.  A kind of a vacation of sorts.  Ahhh-lone.  It was really nice.  So the fact that it turned so awful still confounds me.  I was irritated by something Lire told me.  I wasn't annoyed with L, but with something he said my MIL had said.   I decided to keep it bottled up inside me until the next day -- or until everyone went to bed.   But my conversation with L was overheard by SIL, who pressed and decided we all needed to have a "discussion."  

I told Alex that I hadn't had a "discussion" like this since my last interaction with my alcoholic boyfriend when I was 25.  I hadn't heard such awful things said about and to me since then.  Hadn't heard things from left field like that, hadn't heard so many untruths uttered.  

To be unfailingly honest -- I am not saintly.  I err.  I lose my temper and get snappish and can be quite critical.  However.  I'm not as bad as they decided I was. When it was all over, I found Alex and repeated the entire thing.  Then I cried, because put all together like that, it was pretty painful.  I slept poorly, and then awoke in tears.  I felt sick to my stomach, so very sad.  

The bright spot in all this?  My beautiful, loving, sweet, sweet boys!  Every one of them.  I missed H and L so much while we were gone, and didn't realize how much until I saw them and kissed and squished them again.  Their love was so uncomplicated and open, it nourished me and filled me up so that my vision became clearer.  Chauncey and Alex were also incredibly supportive.  Chauncey removed my hat, wagged his entire body and tossed our new rubber cane toad about the house.  Alex apologized for his family and was right there where I needed him.  Which he always has been, and may he ever be.   

Phew.  Sorry for the rant.  I don't usually blog about this stuff, but I felt so assaulted, I guess I needed to write it down.  I may delete it later, just in case.  The crux of the whole thing is that the house will either be rented or sold, so we must vacate, most likely by the beginning of the summer.  We may try to rent here for a year or so until we find the right place to settle.  Most likely we'll spend a good chunk of time this summer up in the area we explored this weekend.  Then we can see the parts of it we like best, get a feel for how it will be with our blended family, etc and so on.

My camera has been giving the computer the silent treatment of late, or vice-versa, so I don't have any photos yet.  Once I decide to have an intervention with them they might get it right and upload my darn photos.  But I will not attack their characters!  I will try to use "I" statements and utilize a non-violent communication strategy.  Because I never want either electrical device to feel as badly as I have the past two days. 

And until that day comes, here is a picture of two friends who continue to inspire me to this day.

Comments

[Maia]

Oh, you can unveil the mystery family. They won't mind.

That SUCKS that you came home to that. Not a great way to top off your first time away from your boys! Your "discussion" with your SIL sounds like the biofeedback cult I told you about. But they didn't wait for your birthday, I guess. I hate those awful family moments. But, on the bright side- I suppose it makes your decision to move that much easier. I shall continue to waft magical Hudson Valley energy your way- it would be so lovely to have you guys up here!

[Heather.PNR]

Ugh, what a horrible thing to go through. I hope the end of all this transition finds you in the perfect spot for you family.

[Mayhem]

That does sound pretty miserable. Glad you've got such squishy, loveable kiddos! Good luck finding the right place for your family.

[Heidi]

Unfortunately I know of the pain you speak of. Ugh. You are lucky to have a supportive husband (among your other blessings of course). Family is a very difficult and tangled and often sticky web.
I like how you admitted that you were not "Miss Perfect" (my words)... I have often felt this way too... but wondered why family members won't offer me the same kind respect/break I give them when I see all their faults coming spewing out towards me so visciously (and I've not been nearly as mean hearted as they). The truth is, they have a preconceived decision of who I am and actually spending time with me and listening to me and watching me won't change their minds.
I have found (although not always, because sometimes it's just best to be mad and sad for a bit) that it helps to know that it is their shortcomings that make it impossible for a human to human respectful nice relationship together. That and, FRIENDS that we can actually choose are GREAT!
Oh, can ya tell you struck a cord for me? Sorry to ramble.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone and I understand.
Hugs,
Heidi

[Nina]

sweetie - my heart aches for you. i know this pain! take the boys - bike to the ocean and throw all your sorrows into the sea!! watching an angry tide swallow your tears will cleanse you - and anyway it is the jewish thing to do! yom kippur? hello??!!

soo - i can't find your email address and want to reconnect - please write to me!!

miss you!

xo
nina

[Stacy]

The family..aaah.
Never fun when "the family" ruins what could be a peaceful, quiet existence with all their crap. You know I'm sorry. You know I understand. And, I could not agree more when you say that hugs from your little men make it all better - oh, and your big man too!

P.S.
Waiting to order the trail-a-bike...as Steven's car just failed NYS inspection - priorities. Found a cute pink one, used and cheap. Thanks for the info.

[Erin]

I am so sorry to hear that you're having family issues. It sounds like a very painful conversation. I'm glad you're back with your boys--they definitely warm our hearts in pictures, so I'm sure it's magnified a million-fold to have them in your arms.