Holding Still

Dance

Yesterday afternoon, after a HUGE nap, Alex and I returned to the Big Kids' House.  We were slightly refreshed after the nap, though a little groggy, and a bit apprehensive.  The greetings and partings have been so wrought with the boys, it's hard to be gung-ho all of the time.  We had a sustaining sort of snack, as Pooh would say, and were off down the street to see Habtamu and Lire.

It was bath time, and Lire was in the bath and Habtamu was about to have his turn.  I heard Lire's screams coming from the bathroom -- apparently he was not enjoying the experience.  Habtamu was very happy to see us, gave us both hugs and went off obediently with the nanny to have his bath.  All the while Lire was complaining loudly, though I saw him spy us through the door and he stopped briefly.  But then he took up his cries again, definitely not finished with his very public complaints.

The boys came to us clean and scrubbed, oiled and happy.  They sat on our laps outside and we drew a bit, talked, shared water, played silly games, etc.  We heard someone call "Lire!" so we went back into the house to see what was what.  Ethiopian pop music was playing and the nannies had set some of the preschool-aged kids up together to dance.  Habtamu stood up with Alex and they danced with two little girls, one of whom was an amazing dancer, by the way.  H has his own way of dancing, where he gets a serious look on his face, puts his palms up by his waist, and bounces.   Lire refused to stand up, being perfectly happy to sit on my lap, so we bounced and clapped hands to the music.

I can't tell you how wonderful and amazing and any other of those other types of words this experience was.  Imagine a room full of kids from around 2 yrs old up to 11 or so, three or four nannies, and us, all dancing to Ethiopian pop music.  Singing, clapping, and dancing.  Incredible.  I hate to sound soppy, but Alex and I agreed it was one of the most beautiful experiences we have ever had. 

The parting was tearful again, but not nearly as intense as earlier in the day, so leaving was not so difficult.

We had a nice surprise this morning in that the call to prayer didn't happen again at 4 am, in fact it didn't happen at all.  I'm not sure if there was a special holy day over the weekend, or if it is only done over the weekend, but it was nice to get to sleep until 6 am for a change. 

still here

It is our second day with the boys.  Leaving them today was much, much harder than yesterday.  Lire's cries were more expected -- a kind of "I'm over-tired and need a nap" kind of cry, but Habtamu's were more upsetting.  At first there were just a few tears, but when he heard L go louder and longer, he followed suit and wouldn't let go of Alex.  He had a firm grip on his shirt and it was all we could do to separate him.  One of the nannies took him for us and tried to comfort him.

This is difficult to go through for all of us, but there doesn't seem to be another way yet.  We are going on a 2-day visit to birth family on Tuesday, and it would be even worse, (we've been told by families who've been through it before), to take them into the guest house now, have them sleep over with us and then leave for two days, putting them back into the orphanage until we could get them again on Wednesday afternoon when we return.  So we've been going twice a day, leaving them after meal times, and it is so, so hard. 

Social workers say this is a good thing, the crying.  That they are beginning to recognize us as caregivers, as people who should be there for them.  But then we fulfill their greatest fear (I'm just guessing here), and leaving them. 

Then again, we always return, and that in itself is a good thing for them to experience.  I know that we cannot second-guess every decision here, but it's hard not to, in this environment.  It is wonderful being with all of the nannies and other children, but at the same time, it is hard to establish ourselves as a unit yet.  We're doing the best we can, as are the boys.

Onto the good stuff.  When we arrived this morning, Lire and Habtamu were all smiles.  H went straight to Alex, and Lire lifted his arms up to be held by me. It seems we've each got a boy to hold.  This will make it easier for the trip home, it would be tough if they both wanted just one of us.  Lire is doing a little testing -- he throws himself down on the floor if he doesn't get what he wants.  I've been laying him down there so he doesn't bang his head, sitting next to him, but not letting him hit me, another kid, throw toys, etc.  Then he wants me to hold him again, but he's mad at me, so he reaches for me and pushes me away simultaneously.  Then we distract him with something else and he is all smiles again.  He has a great expression where he tries NOT to smile, so he purses his lips and holds the smile in, but it always sneaks out.

Habtamu tests, too, but in a different way.  He looks to see if you will stop him from doing something, and he actually seems pleased if you do stop him and say no -- which is "aye" in Amharic, by the way.  He redirects himself pretty easily, but then he is totally into something else.  He is a busy, busy boy with lots and lots of energy.  He also likes to be up high on Dad's shoulders (he's learned "Up" already), and to be upside down for extended periods of time. 

We will go over one more time this evening, and hopefully the parting will be easier.  Tomorrow is our embassy appointment, where we get the boys' passports and visas for the trip home.  The boys come with us, which should be interesting -- I think there are a few hours to kill there, so we will have to bring something interesting for the boys to do.  Then I'm not sure what will be next.  I'm wondering if a trip to the Hilton pool might be in order.  I hear there is a playground there, too.

We'll see!  Talk to you later.

We're here!

I can't use blogger, so I'm using tried and true;  must rush, get kicked off internet easily!

We arrived safely and easily last night in Addis.  We had the best flights and connections, the only holdup happened at the passport check-in at Bole International in Addis.  We had the slowest typist checking our line into customs, and he LOVED stamping the passports.  Never have you heard a more resounding STAMP then from this fellow.

Solomon, our driver was waiting for us, along with a sw from our agency who had been on the same flight -- her line sailed past ours.

The guest house is great, no-frills, but just fine for us, and the hospitality rivals anything we would get at a four star hotel.  Everyone who works here is kind, helpful and warm. 

Now for the part I'm sure you've been waiting for:  meeting the boys.  We awoke several times over the morning -- between 5am and 8am, due to wild dogs barking and an Imam broadcast over loudspeakers calling people to prayer.  We showered, ate, got our cameras and were off...

We walked into the big kids' house with Sr. Terhas.  She said "Habtamu, Lire," to the other nannies, a little commotion was heard, and then we met Habtamu.  He had a shy smile on his face, and it looked as if his head had been shaved recently -- he looked more like his referral picture than the more recent pictures we had received.  First he shook hands with us, then a tentative hug.  He sat upon our laps, and then we met Lire.  He had a huge smile, and joined Habtamu on our laps.  The nannies brought out the care packages we had sent, and we spent time looking at the photographs together and identifying one another, the house, the church, the school, etc.

It's not easy to write about it yet -- there is so much else to say, but we need to process it and actually have the time to give it justice.  Suffice it to say that we spent most of the day with the boys with a lunch break inbetween.  Our first parting was VERY difficult, they both cried and looked so bereft, I could only imagine how let-down they felt at being left.  Fortunately, we returned, and the second parting went much, much better with no tears.  Of course, the tears are a good sign, that some small attachment has been made.  But I like that maybe they trust us -- that we'll be coming back again tomorrow. 

Habtamu has LOTS of energy -- it looked like more than any other kid there.  He knows how to work a camera and has mastered the word "up," so that Beckmann will lift him up high on his shoulders.  Lire is a cuddler, and LOVES to sleep.  He fell asleep in my arms and proceeded to sleep for about 3 hours. 

We are smitten and can't wait to see what will happen tomorrow.

rusty wheelbarrow

An image I will leave you with: Me wearing full-winter regalia, pushing wheel-barrow full of boxes and sundry shopping bags across the yard from one house to another. Next day. Temperatures rise. Mad bomber hat changes to baseball cap, winter shell to light jacket. Wheel barrow still full to the brim, back and forth across the yard...

Tomorrow will be a repeat, though I may be dressed more smartly, seeing as I'm heading to nyc in the pm. I will leave you with a classic by William Carlos Williams:

The red wheelbarrow

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

still moving

Sorry I've been away for so long. We're still moving. When you move 500 feet, it's more time-consuming than moving 500 miles, I think. We're carrying things in drips and drabs back and forth between the two houses. Not very efficient, but that's how we're doing it.

The boys' room is basically done, so I'm happy about that. We don't have any heat, however, since we're having a new furnace put in this week. At least, that's what's supposed to be happening. Furnace dudes were nowhere to be seen today. I wore my mad bomber hat and coat as I made the boys' beds and put my clothes into drawers.

Have you guys heard about Freecycle? It's a Y@hoo group one can join all over the world. It's aim is to keep stuff out of landfills by giving people a place to offer and take one another's things. I joined our local group and finally offered something the other day. Within 3 hours, I had four people responding to my offer for a big box of cleaning supplies. By the end of the day, someone had come and picked up the box, and both of us were as happy as clams! I highly recommend it. As we move, I'll be coming upon more stuff to give away. Thanks M!

I'm working tomorrow, giving a tour and tidying things up, and then on Friday for two Pre-K classes. After that I am officially on leave. AHHH!! On Sunday we go into NYC to have dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant with other families who have adopted from, or are in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. We've met two of the couples at one of our agency's meetings, so I'm looking forward to seeing them in a more social setting. In eight more days, we're flying...

and away we go!

Immigration woes are over! We have the amended I171-H and are ready to go!

In other news, we had a lovely shower thrown for us (and the boys) after work last week by a friend who also happens to be my supervisor at work. Yummy food, wonderful gifts and many good wishes. Beckmann and I were very moved by the generosity of everyone, and the warmth we felt all around. I am very lucky to work with these people, that's for sure.

We've been continuing the move next door, slowly but surely. Today I put some of the toys into bins in the boys' room. We're going to have only a few toys out at a time, so as not to overwhelm them. We'll pull things out over time. I also opened up some of our boxes of books and found some of my favorite children's books -- One of these was the Charlie Brown Picture dictionary. The binding is shot, all taped up with masking tape, but I love it so much. Nope, can't toss it.

Tomorrow, more sewing, since we're supposed to have some pretty crappy weather. Driving rain, wind, general awfulness. Monday will be a visit to Le T@rget for underwear, pull-ups and waterproof mattress pads for leaky boys.

Let the countdown begin!

progress

It looks like things are moving forward, immigration-wise. Beckmann got through on the telephone, miraculously, faxed them some more paper, our agency did the same, and it should be resolved tomorrow when he meets with them.

We have our shower tomorrow given by the best boss/friend a person could have. The house is still being worked on, but should be move-in-able by the weekend. Now I just have to get moving on making sure we have everything for the trip. I guess I will make a packing list post. Maybe. We'll see.

haiku (bridges)

Tonight when I checked my email, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but new pictures of the boys! Two of our agency's people traveled to Ethiopia to escort two other children, and were able to spend time with all of the kids. One of the women sent us some pics of our boys.

I've also included a haiku below prompted at one deep breath poetry. The theme was "bridges." It's inspired from our ability to see the boys' photos.

One click of the mouse
and I can see the boys smile.
A virtual bridge.

drama

"It was a dark and stormy night..."

Well, we thought things were going too smoothly...

Remember when I was concerned we wouldn't get our referral because our petition to reopen our case to adopt siblings hadn't been approved yet?  That didn't turn out to be the case, we got our referral.  However, we still haven't gotten the updated approval yet, and without it the boys can't leave Ethiopia.  The Embassy there needs the approval to issue their visas so they can leave with us. 

I've emailed and called three times.  Apparently, I can't talk on the phone to anyone about our case, since I am not the "petitioner," Beckmann is.  I actually got someone on the phone but they wouldn't talk to me without Beckmann present.  Which he wasn't, since I was at work, he at work at home. 

So Beckmann has been doing the calling, and was able to contact the USCIS, but not our local field office.  We need to deal with the local office (to whom we've been emailing), but can't contact them on the phone.  Beckmann made an on-line appt. with them for next week to BEG them to put our case through so we can make our embassy appt. and the boys can come home SOON.  He has to go to NYC to do the begging.

Wish us lots of luck.  I'm trying to be positive -- how can they say no?  How can they not want to let us go as soon as we can to pick up the boys?  I couldn't say no.  That's why I don't work at the USCIS, I guess.

______________________________________________________________________________________

On to more positive thoughts...

I will try to blog in Ethiopia, though I've heard there is only dial-up in the guest house, where we'll be staying.  People have recommended writing the post in Word first, then cutting and pasting it to the blog.  Photos will be a pain to upload, I've also heard, so I may wait to post them upon our return.  We'll see.  No matter what, I will journal and post about the trip in some form.  I may create another blog for the purpose, since I'm not sure I want to share this blog with family.  I love my family, but... I'm sure you understand. 

We were going to travel ahead of time, but we're both so wanting to meet the boys, we're going straight to Addis Ababa to spend a couple of days acquainting ourselves with them, their nannies, and the capital.  There is a good possibility we will go to the region of the boys' birth to meet any family who exists who would like to meet us.  The agency usually groups families together whose children come from the same region and then truck us all down there.  It is usually a good day's drive, so we'll probably spend the night in a city/village nearest to that area and then drive back to Addis the next day.  That will most likely be the extent of our traveling in Ethiopia that week.  It is going to be an extremely, extremely emotionally charged meeting, so I think it will be the most I will be able to handle jaunt-wise, not to mention attempting to get to know the boys enough so that they will want to fly on a plane with us to the US. 

I've been working on our "Dear Birthfamily" letter in my head, and Beckmann and I have been bouncing ideas off of one another about it.  I'm sure it will be continually revised until the moment it gets translated and read to the boys' first family.  I think that the most important gist of it will be to tell them that they are the boys' family, therefore they are now a part of our family.  Beckmann and I want very, very much to be able to keep in contact with them, which isn't impossible, thankfully.  Of course, it depends upon what they want, too.  From what I've heard, letters can be exchanged through the agency, and I know of at least two bloggers and fellow Ethiopia adoptive mothers who are in a situation like this. 

No expectations!  That seems to be my theme this month!  But I won't stop expecting to travel!  I think I will go no matter what -- CIS approval on time or not. 

On the road again...

Today we got the travel email! We will be leaving the weekend of the 27th, arriving exhausted in Addis Ababa to meet our little guys, and returning a week later on the 4th or 5th of May!!

I found out at work, checking my home email. I've been checking it obsessively these last two weeks, hoping that we'd be going in April. I opened it up, 11 messages, lots o' junk, and then -- "TRAVEL TO ETHIOPIA EMAIL" appeared! Jumping up and down ensued, informing the one person currently in the office, then to the phone to tell Beckmann. He immediately got on the phone with travel agents, and we've almost got it all nailed down.

Ahh...

Every step that we get closer to going, the calmer I become. I think it's because the unknowns are slowly being cleared up. The huge unknowns are yet to be revealed -- for example, who are the boys? What are they like? What are they thinking and feeling? I imagine a mass of string tangled up when I try to imagine it. Confusing and sad, bewildering.

We attended a class last Friday with other parents adopting children over the age of 2. There was a lot of discussion about putting ourselves in the shoes of our future children. The more I do that, the cloudier my expectations become, which I'm relieved about. It's hard to put into practice, but I will try to watch and be mindful of their cues and needs at the time, rather than expecting anything.

I've heard people say "expect the worst, and hope for the best." I'm going to try my hardest not to label anything as "good," or "bad." Behaviors and feelings are what they are, some are certainly more challenging, but I don't want to start labeling anything or anybody. God knows I don't like it when people try to do it to me!

It was great meeting other parents adopting kids our kids' ages. Most live in the city, which is great, we'll be able to meet now and again. Two of the families also had received their referrals, so their children might be playmates with our guys.

I'm going to try to blog about our prep for the trip, and I'm also going to try to blog from Ethiopia. I may use another blog, since I'm not sure I want all of my family to read this one. I'll definitely let you all know!

We are in the middle of moving across the yard to the bigger house. I spent the weekend painting our new bedroom, putting together "Trofast," Ike@'s proud storer of children's toys, and doing laundry. Beckmann moved our stuff out of storage with a friend yesterday and will be installing a fence soon. Pictures will follow, I promise!! Sewing continues...