smiles

I am fortunate, because our family has been, and still is, supportive of our decision to adopt (except for my FIL, but that's not a surprise). However, talking to them lately has been a little challenging. We are not telling people our sons' history. It is their story to tell, we feel they should be able to process it themselves, talk about it with us and understand it as well as they can before anyone else knows about it. It isn't a secret, it's just that they have had so little control over what is happening in their lives, this is something we can protect for them, something they can decide how and when to talk about. Plus, it really isn't anyone else's business. People need to accept them as they are, without any preconceived notions. Beckmann and I had a disagreement about it early on -- he tells his mom EVERYTHING, and thought that she was an exception. Luckily, we worked it out, he understands where I'm coming from and that it is something I feel very strongly about. It turns out I was right, because the little that they do know has become fodder for speculation and accusations of the Ethiopian people of lying about the ages of the children, passing off a cousin as a brother, birthfamily trying to take the boys back, you name it. Just give us an interview on Dateline, and we'll be all set.

It is tiring. I'm wondering why they decided they need to bring up all of their fears and suspicions now, when we have made our decision. These are our children, we wouldn't have made any other decision but to add them to our family no matter what their birth history -- you can't pick and choose your children's history and situation, no more than you can choose your own. It is what it is, and you go on from there.

I suppose there is so much fear surrounding things now because it is finally real, and not a distant happening. I have to remember that they haven't been thinking about it as deeply as I have, and they are not privy to what is in my mind. I'm no expert, but I have been thinking, reading and talking about a lot of this for two years now. I need to send them some of my readings about birth family, so they won't fear the possibility of it, and for my MIL, some stuff about race. We have a good piece about white privilege our agency gave us that she would benefit from.

We knew all of this would come up, I think I'm surprised that it's from family, and not more random people.

As for news on the boys... The night we got our referral I sent out a general email to our agency's Yahoo group asking that if anyone were going to Ethiopia, could they get pics of our guys. A mom who was going to pick up her daughter emailed me from Ethiopia, and said she would -- and she did! I am amazed at her generosity. While she was immersed in meeting and picking up her daughter she had time to take photos for us. She sent two more pictures, and told me that the boys were shy (they had only been there a week, so this isn't surprising), were very close and spent most of their time together. She also said that the orphanage director told her that they held hands a lot. That last part made me cry. It brings home to me how glad I am that we decided to adopt siblings. I cannot tell you what a relief it is that they have one another right now, when things are so confusing.

Another nice thing is that Lire was smiling towards the end of this adoptive mom's time there in Addis. I can't wait until I can see the smiles, too.

Comments

[leisa]

This is something I also worry about. As much as you think your family are prepared, they just can't be "around" all the things to be considered. Like you say adoption has been the number one thing going through our minds for a while now and we have had lots of time to digest all the facets of it. I have started a file filled with articles and information specifically for family and friends. I will email you what I have, but in the mean time I found a lot of good articles at www.a4everfamily.org have a look.
Leisa
So glad you have more pics of your boys and that Lire is smiling and has his big brother with him.

[Erin]

I'm sure that the pictures of your boys are perfect, and I'm so glad that they have each other.

My in-laws are (semi) convinced that we are going to be lied to about HIV status and be bringing home a toddler with HIV. They've mentioned it to us repeatedly. I'm just not sure what to tell them anymore, besides the fact that we trust our agency. It has reinforced to both of us that our son's history will be his to share with whomever he chooses. Not ours. It is his history and his birthfamily, and if he wants to keep them private, then he should make that choice. It shouldn't be made for him when he's too young to have a say in the matter.

[Blaine]

These decisions are for you and Beckmann to make, and no one else. Period! It is your job to protect your boys. This is only the first of many situations that will come up over the years. Notice, you don't see all kinds of ramblings about everything my kids do wrong written all over my blog. Guess what...you wouldn't hear that stuff if you were able to listen in on my phone calls either; not even with family. There is just no need to set our kids up for social failure. They already have all the awkwardness of growing up to go through. They certainly don't need us to "help" them along by filling other people's heads with negative pictures of them. There will be enough in life that happens in a far more public forum than any of us would like. Why would we choose to broadcast everything else. By the way, this goes for bio kids too. Welcome to the Mama Bear Club. 8^)

[dawn]

I've found it to be an ongoing theme with Dawit. People feel they have a right to ask private details of this life before us.

Dawit knows a different story than we do, so there will be some confusion as he gets older. One day at a time...

Again, this part is so hard: knowing who they are, wondering how they are, do they know you're coming? Keep breathing, you'll see those smiles soon!

[MEMF]

How lucky to have someone there to take pictures for you!

People will be voicing concerns from now until the end of your days. I guess the best thing to do will be to gain a very calm attitude towards it and what's the cliche-build up a strong armor? You'll be the example for the boys on how to deal with the questions.

Yeah for more pictures! Can't wait to see them. :)

I send a positive thought to them each night.

M

[blondie]

I just wanted to say that I agree totally with what you are doing. You are doing the right thing. By protecting the boys' past, you are also protecting their rights to control their own future. I know when my husband and I get our sibling group home (God knows when that will be!) we will be following in your footsteps - regardless of what our families want from us.

[erinberry]

It is really hard to deal with that kind of resistance from family. It hurts.

How wonderful that your boys have each other during this transition and for the rest of their lives.

[abebech]

I'm really sorry they are making this hard for you. We believe we are stewards of our daughter's story, and when we explained it that way, our family mostly understood and supported us. I will say, though, that our closest family members know quite a bit -- Miss I has shared her lifebook very proudly with them (I had worded it so some things are more vague, but all things are true). If and when we establish more contact with extended family, we may share that with them. We want to help her understand the difference between secret (not okay/shameful) and private/personal. I hope we're able to do that.
It's never easy, but it gets easier.

[Jamie @ F.O.B.S.]

Hello - I'm new here. I really love your blog, hope you don't mind if I link to it from mine.

Your boys are beautiful. Ethiopian children are beautiful. Good luck on your journey, I will be lurking and hoping for the best (that sounded creepy. I'll be watching and hoping for the best. Still a little creepy. I will be hoping for the best).

Thanks!

Jamie over at fully operational battle station

[SHannon]

Congratulations on your referral, your boys are beautiful. How wonderful that they have each other now and forever. We have decided (almost) in the past week to change from Vietnam to Ethiopia, and also to request siblings. I am not looking forward to the conversation with my parents...hopefully as time passes your family will understand your choices to allow your children to share their story when they are ready.