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July 23, 2008



Oh Erin, how I hear your words! I feel the same way about our new daughter. Feel like I missed out on so much of what would have been serious bonding time. Trying to get a handle on this new form of bonding with an older child. Taking into account that I had very little to do with the person she was before coming to us, and getting used to her quirks and the unique personality that was already built-in when we met. And she is struggling too. To understand what it means to not take care of other people, but to be taken care of. To be part of a family, a community and the "outside world." Limits. Control, and when to let go of control. Keeping up with a hectic, but not crazy, schedule. And of course, structure - when it's necessary and when to just go with the flow.
It's not easy. But, you are not alone in feeling "up in the air."


No good advice, but I'm so glad you're writing about this. I think that putting all this into words will help you shake it out in the long run. I suppose it's just a matter of losing all expectations and accepting your relationship with him for what it is and what it will be - not what anyone else (or your previous self) thinks it "should be".

Wait, was that advice? Sorry. I still have vertigo and probably shouldn't be listened to.


So, in my dizzy ear craziness, I totally missed the part where you said you have realized that H is probably at least a year older than you initially thought. And now I've been thinking about that a lot. Wondering what a parent does about that. What, if anything, you tell H.

There is a lot of wiggle room around FF's age, too. Because she was found much later than most cleft affected babies are found, and because cleft issues also mean teeth issues (which is the easiest way to figure out a kid's true age, as far as I can tell)and because she is very, very small for her age (which also could be cleft related). But sometimes I think she's older. And sometimes maybe younger. It's not so pronounced that I would ever think about changing her age. But what an intense thing - to not even be able to offer a true age to our kids.

Amy Rankin

As a Mom of 6 I can tell you without a doubt, teeth don't mean diddly. My bio daughter lost her first tooth at age 4. She was in braces (with most of her adult teeth in place) by the time she was 9. Even the molars are meaningless...hers came in more than a whole year early. But, I am pretty ding-dang darn sure about her age...even if they switched babies in the hospital nursery.
First tooth lost ages in my kids range from 4 to 7.5 ...so, go figure.
I have also struggled with age issues in my adopted kids. My youngest from China is tiny and delayed. We have toyed with the thought of changing her age...but the bone scan said it was likely to be accurate. So. Whatever.
Love your blog...I found it through Julie at the eyes of my eyes are opened. Your boys are so beautiful!
Hang in there!
Amy Rankin...with 2 wild boys of her own...and 4 girls to boot!

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