what's my line?

Getting to know the boys has been more surprising and gradual than with any other person I've known. With friends, boyfriends, co-workers, there is off-time. You go home after a day together at work, on a date, on a jaunt. Time to reflect. Plus you're not physically exhausted most of the time. I've taught small children for a while, and I've always enjoyed getting to know my students over the year. Kids I didn't feel I had a connection with would become my most enjoyed cohorts by June. I'm not sure what I thought it would be like getting to know Habtamu and Lire. Sort of like the students in my classes, sort of like the twin boys I babysat for years ago.

The situation of the boys being "ours," and the fact that there are very few breaks from their presence at the beginning, combined to confuse me (and them too, I'm sure). I have never known what it feels like to be a mother, and I'm not sure I do yet. I know how it feels to be a teacher, so that has served me. Except that I don't get to go home afterwards. It's been a combination of teacher and babysitter at first, at least for me.

Likewise, they didn't know what our function was. No matter how many times the nannies and we ourselves told them that we were to be their mother and father, I can only imagine that they wondered how much longer they were going to be with us before they moved on again. They may still think that, though I believe they're trusting us more, and allowing themselves to relax. Lire has gotten there more easily and faster than his older brother. Habtamu is slower to trust, but I keep catching him looking to see if I am watching him as he hits the wiffle ball off the tee, or rides his bicycle in the beach parking lot.

I have to keep reminding myself that these little people are here to stay -- and I have to do a better job of letting them know that I'm here to stay, too. I think we've been consistent, have stuck to a routine, are firm with our boundaries. But I haven't been as present as I would like to be. I've been too stuck in my thoughts of the future, my concerns about how Habtamu will navigate a school situation, if I'm getting enough sleep. This morning when the boys joined us in our bed, I decided not to worry about whether they would sleep more, thus allowing me more sleep. I just gave them each a kiss, cuddled with Lire (H. was cuddling with Daddy), and slept. It sounds simple, and obvious, of course. Which it is. But I've been so anxious, sometimes I would miss the kisses, phone in the cuddling.

I think this post meandered from being about getting to know the boys and more about me accepting the boys. In the beginning, I was in survival mode, which was necessary and got me through. I had to manually shift myself into a "being" mode, so we can all just be ourselves. I'm certain I'll shift gears again, I'm embarrassed to admit. But I am conscious of it now, so I'll be able to kick myself back into the present more easily. Like the way Habtamu is having an easier time kicking himself out of his funks. It's not easy for him, but it's getting easier.

If you're wondering, we were all able to sleep an additional sweet 30 minutes or so this morning.

Comments

[Owlhaven]

Erin, This is a great post and very insightful... would it be OK if I linked to it on my Ethiopian Adoption Blog in a post about the transition to motherhood?

Mary

[Mayhem]

I know I've said this before, but I so appreciate the way you are writing about your experience.

There are some beautiful images here. I can picture the look on a little boy's face, kind of proudly checking to see if Mom is watching him, and if she's properly impressed by his skill! And it's such a great snapshot of a moment in time when you can see bonding and attachment happening.

Anyway, I'm just so impressed with you, Alex, and the boys. And I'm glad you got to just enjoy your family time this morning.

[Mrs Figby]

You are making remarkable progress! Not many people talk about how weird it is to suddenly be the parent of kids you don't really know, but I think most adoptive parents (especially of non-infants) feel it. I would say it took me about 6 months to really feel like Apples' mom, and maybe close to a year before she really felt like she was part of the family. (She had an extensive vocabulary before she ever called me "mama.")

I wish more adoptive parents realized how normal it is for it to be a process rather than an immediate thing.

[Erin]

I always appreciate how open and honest your writing is, and I'm especially glad to read this because it's something I worry about. I think that becoming a mom takes time. When you are a biological mom, you have the time during pregnancy to adjust to it; even so, many people don't feel like a mom for a long time. When you are an adoptive mom, you don't get those 9 months. You may have been waiting for an even longer time, but it's a different waiting--especially when bringing home two growing boys. There are different needs, and a different mothering to be done. It sounds like you're doing everything just perfectly.

[abebech]

This is a fantastic post. I know precisely what you mean.

[MEMF]

I love the pictures! Thanks for sharing.
I'm glad to hear you got much needed extra sleep and that you're starting to come of out "pure survival mode" and able to enjoy a few minutes of motherhood. There are wonderful moments to being a new mom but they're often taken over by the anxiety of being a new mom. I hope you find a few more of the wonderful moments while playing with your sons today. :)

[Blaine @ 5KidMom]

I am trying to get caught up on all my blog reading. We were out of town for a week, back in town for two, and then gone for just over three. We're FINALLY home, and other than school/work getting started again, I don't have anything pressing on my schedule. I am determined to get my blog updated with all the details of our travels, and reconnect with all of my online friends.

So, with no further adieu, this post is AMAZING! Your honesty is so appreciated.